Crayons in my Coffee by Bri

It was only recently that I discovered it. I was listening to a podcast and it asked the question "who were you before the world influenced you?" Before your friends, family, peers, career counselors, teachers, dare I say religion told you how to act, what to do, who to be?  

I unknowingly gave up parts of me all along the way. But I remember a distinct choice that I had to make was going into my Sophmore year of High School. I had to choose between Advanced Biology and Art. I was good at science. I loved Art. Science was the "smart" route. The career driven route. Don't get me wrong, the career I chose is invaluable. But now looking back, would I have chosen to follow what brought me joy? Probably. 

Then I becam a mom. 

Being a mom is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I wouldn't trade my boys for anything. But motherhood also changed me. Or maybe just reshaped me...in more ways than 1 if you catch my drift. 🤣So much of my energy goes to taking care of everyone else that I stopped paying attention to me. 

The things I enjoyed became easier to put aside. I would prioritize sleep over creativity. Creativity could wait. There was always something more "important."

I forgot that I was someone worth making time for too. 

Finding my way back...

After that podcast I thought about the little Bri. Full of joy, always smiling, and loved to draw. I doodled in the margins, I could get lost in drawing. Its something that I can do and time passes so fast that I don't even know what happened. 

I wonder what she would think of me now. 

I also wonder how much of her is still here, waiting for me to slow down long enough to notice.

Finding myselfagain isn't becoming someone new. It is about remembering the parts of me that got a little lost over the years. 

The things that I loved before I started worrying about what other people thought. The interests I set aside because they didn't fit into the life I thought I was supposed to have. 

I am learning that I don't need to have a big plan to begin again. 

I am still finding my way. Giving myself permission to just be me.